Grieving was long thought to be a form of depression. While it absolutely has a "phase" where the individual goes into a depressive state, the experience is actually more congruent with trauma. Trauma can be a single event, but it is better understood as our experience of that event. The incident and how we felt and did about it stays with us. 

Grief is no different. Grief is an experience, often a lifelong one, that encourages us to cope and adjust to something new.

So, how does grieving show up in Trauma healing? Wouldn't we be happy that we are no longer operating from our pain points but rather from a place of understanding? The short answer is yes. Like most things we view as unfavorable, grieving is one of those that people assume is bad because we feel "negative" or uncomfortable feelings: anger, bargaining, depression, and denial. It is usually followed by a version of acceptance, which is where most people want to immediately shift to.

The thing with trauma healing that I am always sure to be transparent about is that the road to recovery is pretty lonely sometimes. The reason is that when you start working on healing your body, mind, and spirit, you start shying away from people who disturb it. 

One of the sure ways to heal from your trauma, which just means a wound, is to listen to your body's messages. Are you feeling uneasy by the comments your "friend" makes about other people, or are you more irritable at your aunt's comments about your weight or not having a life partner? That's your body telling you something isn't right. 

You may try to convince yourself that they didn't mean it. Still, the more you lean into yourself with curiosity rather than judgment, the less you will want to be around people who don't fit your healing version. So enter the grieving period, where we lament the loss of friendships, familial ties, and relationships that made way more sense when you were actively surviving your pain rather than living and working through it. As an EMDR therapist, I always explain that this isn't a process where we erase memories; instead, we help the individual process the memory to make it more adaptive.

I'll explain EMDR briefly: When your parent yelled at you after coming home, and toys weren't picked up, did you think it was your fault for being "lazy?" Well, EMDR therapists can't make that memory go away, but what we help you do is understand that it isn't the responsibility of a child to regulate their adult parent, and wanting to play was a natural thing for your five-year-old self to want to do and furthermore, you don't have to be on the go 24/7 as an adult to prove that you're not lazy, relaxing is just as productive as completing a task. That's what reprocessing, and healing is.

Grieving during the healing process is natural. It is encouraged, and it is healthy. It's your body telling you that it needs time to adjust to your changes. It's your mind acknowledging the shift in mentality, the difference in how you respond to things, and the loss of the people you thought were your "forever." Still, they contributed to your pain, throwing dirt on your already open emotional wound. That realization can hurt, so enter the grieving process. Your acknowledgment that something is missing at this time, that something vital has gone, and you are now left with figuring out how to replace it.

Lean into yourself with curiosity, and you will know how to supplement your loss. Grieving can be cathartic and a chance to adapt to something new. Therapy can be a great resource to process your pain and adjust to changes.

Stay Intentional!