What is the narcissistic cycle?
You met this great person, and they are making you feel exactly like Nanna has told you that you deserve to be treated. So why do you feel like something is wrong? Your family loves them, and most of your friends think they’re cool. What the heck is wrong with you? It may not be you.
If you’ve been following my blog post series on relationships, you’ve probably read Are they a narcissist or just a little toxic? In that blog post, I referred to the narcissistic cycle of abuse. During this blog, we’ll go through each section of the cycle:
Idealization/love-bombing
Discard
Devalue
Hoovering
The cycle for reference
What is Idealization?
More commonly known as love bombing. These are the grand gestures, the recurrent attention, and the whirlwind romance you see in any Rom-Com movie. While love is beautiful and can feel good at first, it behooves a person to take it SLOW. What is the reason for rushing things? When in the love bombing stage, the narcissist seeks to reel you in. They may say something like:
“No one is as special as you,” or “No one has ever made me feel like you do.”
They will commit all of their time and energy to you; it is the epitome of devotion. If you ever feel like it’s too fast, it is. Trust your gut; it’s sending signals for a reason. Are all these nice things to hear and experience? ABSOLUTELY. Are you worthy of good treatment? Yes. However, love grows; it’s not something (contrary to popular belief) that happens within week 1 of the relationship.
This exorbitance really points to an individual who feels emotions strongly and may decide how they feel about you based on their mood of the day. Or, if it’s a narcissist- their mask for the day. To whose benefit is the grand-gestured profession of love benefitting? I’ll tell you, it’s the audience they’re playing into, and we’ll pin that for now. Jump ahead to hoovering if you need to know now.
What is devalue?
They treated you with the grace of royalty, and now you are being treated less than ordinary. They used to do all the things so consistently to reel you in, and now they stop with zero explanation. They’ve lost interest in you, not because you did anything wrong, although they will tell you it’s because of you- It’s because this was all part of the routine. They needed to get a “high” off the chase and conquer.
A narcissist doesn’t care that they hooked you and devalued you. For them, it was part of the game. Even if you hold them accountable, they will use these excuses to wiggle themselves out of the accountability: “Ugh, I’m just so in love with you, and I was so scared of my emotions; everything is just moving so fast.” But if you recall- they were the ones that set the tone and pace. It’s typical gaslighting to make someone else feel responsible for a consequence of their own making.
One key thing I ensure I warn my clients about is that the narcissist will begin to comment about certain friends you have. They will always have something negative to say about your “keeping it real friend.” Why? Because your “keeps it real” friend will smell the bullshit from MILES away, and they can’t have someone foiling their plans. Your “keeps it real” friend will see the person for precisely what they are. Bless those friends. Honestly, if it weren’t for my “keeping it real” roommates in college, who knows how long it would’ve taken me to leave; I probably wouldn’t have gotten into this type of work.
The rage, stonewalling, and insults begin to show during this stage. They may say things like, “You just made me so mad, so that’s why I called you a b**ch.” Listen, it is never okay for someone to insult you just because they are mad. Being mad does not give a person license to be mean to you. Do you cuss out everyone when you’re mad? No? Then it’s not irrational to expect someone else to treat you with basic respect. That was a skill we were taught in childhood.
For my fellow Spongebob fans: as Patrick Starr so eloquently put it: “It’s first-grade Spongebob.”
What is discard?
You’re no longer on video chat for 3 hours at a time; you’re not getting good morning/good night texts. They used to call you all the time like clockwork. Now they are suddenly swamped at work, and they’ve been “just going through stuff.” All the explanations are vague, leaving you confused and disoriented.
Is it possible they are swamped at work and going through things? Yep. Yet, a person truly interested in cultivating a relationship with you will loop you in (as appropriate) into their life. They don’t ghost you as fast as they hook you in. An emotionally mature, healthy individual looking to have a relationship with you will let you know at some point in their day that they are swamped at work or need some time to themselves because of the XYZ situation. Why? Not for your permission or approval but because of a basic understanding that you, too, are a person with emotions. Mutual respect goes a long way.
Chances are, by this stage, they have already found a new “supply.” Remember, narcissists need a constant supply to feel valued and important. They got bored and are likely starting the love-bombing phase with someone else. A narcissist does not have the capacity to have deep, meaningful relationships. When something is hard, they shift gears and find someone to build a faceted relationship with. One that’s intoxicating as you first felt. The goal is always to keep up the facade, they need to feel and think that they are the knight in shining armor, and since they already devalued you, they know you don’t think they walk on water anymore. Their true colors have shown. And yet, true to their inflated sense of self-importance, we go to Hoovering.
What is Hoovering?
Like the Hoover vacuum, they try to suck you back into the dynamic. This is where they set you up to be love bombed again and eventually repeat the cycle. Why would they do this after they have shown their true colors? It’s the delusion rearing its head again. They firmly believe they can get away with this because they are masters of manipulation, gaslighting, and mind games; sometimes, they do get away with it. Here’s the thing, the reason people get stuck in the cycle is because the brain does not differentiate between the person who is hurting us being the same person giving us love. The brain just looks for love and doesn’t distinguish it from who.
Remember how earlier on I told you that narcissists are doing grand gesturing for their audience? This is where the audience comes in handy for them. Since they have witnesses and they’ve either successfully alienated you from the “keeping it real” friend OR placed a massive seed of doubt on their credibility, they will use the witnesses to their advantage.
How? Oh, everyone saw you meet the nice guy/girl who bought you flowers, hung out with friends here and there, took you out on expensive dates, and recreated every cheesy romance movie you’ve ever seen. To them, how the hell is it possible that you’re having these issues? This was a calculated move; they needed to make sure that they had people see how good they treated you so that no one would believe you when you told them otherwise. Hello, gaslighting!
FLYING MONKEYS!
Remember these guys from The Wizard of Oz? Flying Monkeys. These same witnesses have entered the employment of your abuser, often without their knowledge. The term is Flying Monkeys because they capture you and bring you back to the person trying to hurt you. These can be your friends, their friends, or your family members—anyone with access to you.
On the other hand, it’s not always an attempt to win you back. If you listened to your keeping it real friend or, even better, your gut, and you left- the hoovering may continue. The rage that the narcissist feels at losing their supply will result in the following actions:
They will sabotage you:
They may slice your tires, call your job to get you fired, call your friends or family and tell them awful things you said about them in attempts to create a rift, to name a few.
They will take up space:
They keep tabs on your social media, stalk you, and blow up your phone. They’ll comment on things on your social media page even after you unfollowed or blocked them. During old anniversaries, they may also reach out to make it known that they are still around.
They will try to live your life:
Sometimes they will show up for family or friend functions because they still have a flying monkey in their employ. The bottom line, they will make sure their presence is noted. It’s for their benefit and not yours. They know what they did to you and how they treated you. They don’t care. They will show up trying to get a reaction out of you and make themselves the “star of the show” on a day that is supposed to be about you.
Why do they do this?
Because narcissists hate losing control, I often see that the person who wants to continue the unhealthy dynamic and is enraged that the other no longer wants to play this game of cat and mouse is the same person that is the perpetrator of the abuse.
If you’ve attempted to leave, it’s for a reason. Listen to that gut. Contrary to what the abuser tells you or makes you feel, you know yourself, can make difficult decisions, and do not need to settle for scraps. You deserve better than this, and no, I’m sorry, but unless they do deep therapeutic work, they won’t change.
Stay intentional
